Hot Mess

Photo by Tara Winstead on

JUST ABOUT EVERY DAY I THINK TO MYSELF, “WHY DID THIS TAKE SO LONG?” What’s the this, you might ask? Well, it depends. It has been, and could be again:

Why did embracing your body take you so long?

Why did asserting yourself professionally take you so long?

writing a book

liking brussels sprouts

having a strong faith walk

reaching out when you need a friend

admitting you want true, romantic love… and so on.

And then, of course, there is the accompanying thought that, “It might be too late to do this.” The this in this case might be:

have a professional career to my liking

establish myself as a scholar

end up in a soulmate relationship

publish a second book

learn Spanish fluently

find the perfect church

get comprehensive health insurance… that kind of stuff.

So, this has been a messy week. My devotional reading this morning told me to trust God on messy days. And I know I should – and I mostly do. But, well, sometimes it’s harder than other times. Like right at this very moment, I am on hold with a doctor’s office where I have an appointment at 12:40pm today. They called to say the appointment time is wrong and then put me on hold to figure out when I should actually come in. A month ago, when I made this appointment, the time given me was 11am. This changed yesterday.

Additional messiness: I was slated to teach an online course for which I would be compensated quite well. That was supposed to have started today. (A week of supposed-to’s). Well, Monday I was told that the class might not run. And not – as adjuncts are prepared for – because the class didn’t fill, but because the school just might not open its doors. This was to be a college course for high school students at a “public charter school.” (Red flag right there). Apparently these poor kids may not have a school to go to – and I don’t seem to have a course to teach. Oh, I had to drive to Wilshire Boulevard last week for a speedy background check at the cost of $130. (I haven’t heard anything so apparently I passed).

Still on hold with the doctor’s office, by the way. I can’t quite make out the tune they’re playing, but it’s on a very short loop. At some point I am assuming someone at the office will notice the line is occupied and… Ah, she came back on and asked if I could come at 11:50am this morning. Yes, yes I can. That way I can make my dentist appointment – which was already canceled and rescheduled twice. It’s me, right? Like I’m really trying to go to the gratitude department here, grateful for medical care at all (even with a $5000 deductible). But of course, we really shouldn’t have to be grateful for medical care in this backward country still run by capitalist insurance companies. Luckily, people are working on that. Like Bernie and his compatriots. Like Socialists. Like I’m grateful.

Apparently Mercury has headed into Gemini, and that is part of the problem. As my friend Kristina Lynn Martin at KLM Astrology notes:

Mars makes a foreboding move into the sign of Gemini. Typically Mars stays in a sign for 6 weeks, but starting today, Mars stays in Gemini for a whole 6 months, due to an upcoming retrograde. What does this mean? The rocket-fueled, unchecked and action-oriented motivation that Mars provides us is coming to a slow down. It’s as if we want to move forward but the gas pedal gets stuck. So in turn, it requires us to meticulously examine and review how and why we were going forward in the first place. Additionally, being in the sign of Gemini, this will likely occur in communication with others. We can expect frustration in not getting our message across, the news/media/information outputs acting impulsively and needing to slow down our own reactionary charge after getting upsetting information. It’s an incredibly auspicious time to turn inward and readjust how you speak when faced with conflict. Expand your vocabulary, gather information from multiple sources and improve your listening skills.

Yup, the gas pedal is stuck right about now, and things are messy. (And let me tell you, I read several horoscopes weekly and they are all saying similar things. So pshaw at me if you want to, but I buy the fact that our earth’s atmosphere has something to do with our minds and bodies).

So there I was metaphorically speeding down the highway of life, V-8 engine, convertible top down, wind in my hair, and then — screech! A whole bunch of possibilities just started popping, like bubbles blown by a child hitting hot cement. Poof, poof, poof. And while I am fiercely sure that things are exactly as they are supposed to be, it still doesn’t mean it’s always fun. But this is the life I asked for, that of a gig-worker/independent contractor/contingent faculty/writer/activist. I don’t have one big block of a thing to rely on for income, for focus – or for distraction from life’s messiness. Nope, there is a constant assessing and investigating and weighing and negotiating that goes along with all this. And once in a while it catches up with the best of us. As it has with me this week.

So I’ll go to my two medical appointments today (August is my get-everything-seen month); then I’ll do a nice, long, hot, walk in my neighborhood. Then I’ll pop by the Armenian grocery store and pick up some grape leaves and baba ganoush to serve my neighbor who is coming over for a drink in my backyard tonight. Because I reached out. Because it’s been a messy week. So yeah, it has taken me a while to do things like that, to let people know I could use their company. But I do it now. So, clearly it’s never going to be too late for anything.

Hoping Mercury isn’t messing with your life as much as mine! But if it is, I’d love to hear some examples of your gas pedals getting stuck. Share – it feels good!

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